My pregnancy thus far has been anything but a repeat from last time. I saw the doctor on January 6. According to my records (ahem) my approximate due date was determined to be August 27. Depending on my lab work done that day, they would schedule an ultrasound either the next week or for two weeks. To my delight, my HCG levels were high enough to have an ultrasound the following week. That was the first time I saw my little bird baby. I say bird baby because it literally looked like a tiny birdie. The shadows were such that it looked like it had a beak. Anywho, I saw the heartbeat strong and steady, and I felt better...for a little while. That same day I read an article that said once you've seen and/or heard the heartbeat the chance of miscarriage falls to 2%. I felt a little better...for a little while longer. I was 7 weeks and terrified because last time, my baby stopped growing sometime around 7 or 8 weeks. They scheduled another ultrasound for 3 weeks later. I must say that I was a total head case the entire 3 week wait. I was constantly assessing my pregnancy symptoms, trying not to freak out if something was too different. My next ultrasound was February 2. Oh! The changes that happen between 7 and 10 weeks!! At this appointment, not only did I see and strong and steady heartbeat, but my little baby was wiggling all over the place. Arms. legs, head, torso all wiggled and wriggled. It looked like it was dancing the twist or something. I cried in relief. That Friday, I slowly began telling more people. Family and close friends. Today I am 12 weeks. I rented a doppler so I can hear my baby's heartbeat when ever I want. Do you think the chance of miscarriage drops to 2% of the previous 2% every time I hear that little heart beating away?? I don't know, but I like to think so. My peace of mind has no price, and hearing that little thrum every morning gives me so much peace, I cannot find the words. I feel like I'm almost addicted to the sound of it. All I want to do is go home and listen. I could listen to it all day long. Everyday, I thank God for bringing my this far. Everyday, I beg God to let me be this baby's mommy.
I'm so in love.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Kiss My Ass, 2011
2011 was not a good year for me. Here is a list of life changing things that happened to me this year. Only two are good. The rest are reasons why I'm really REALLY glad it's 2012.
1. My grandmother died. Although it was surely a good thing for her, (her quality of life was nonexistent) we all miss her so much.
2. My great Aunt Flossie died four weeks to the day after Grandmother. Unlike Grandmother's, her death was somewhat unexpected. Her absence is felt deeply.
3. I got pregnant just one month after my husband and I agreed to "let nature take it's course." I was elated. He was freaked out.
4. My all time in the history of my career forever favorite patient died. I miss him every week when he should be here getting his meds and giving me grandfatherly advice.
5. I found out I miscarried when I was 12weeks along. The baby stopped growing around 8 weeks and it took my body four weeks to recognize the problem.
6. Another sweet and lovely long time patient died.
7. My doctor took my word for it when I told him I thought I had passed all remnants of my miscarriage. He did not follow up in any way besides telling me to have blood work done in "about 6 weeks). 8 weeks later I found out that doctor is a dumb ass and basically all remnants were still in my uterus and it was a miracle that I hadn't gotten a serious infection. I had a D&C two days later. (performed by a different doctor. The original doctor is lucky I'm not a woman of means, or I may have sued his ass for negligence)
8. Surprisingly to me, we got pregnant again. I'm surprised because my body was disrupted for so long. Part of me thought it would take a while for it to function normally. Apparently I was wrong. My first doctor's appointment is Friday. My labs indicate I'm around 6weeks along. I'm terrified that I will have a repeat of last time. I'm trying desperately to not get my hopes up. High hopes make for hard falls. I pray nightly that God's will is in line with my hopes and desires. I know I'm strong enough to deal with another miscarriage, but I also know I will not handle it so gracefully a second time.
So, aside from my new pregnancy, 2011 sucked royally. Don't get me wrong. I know I am infinitely blessed. I'm just so tired of being sad. I'm ready for all the blessings 2012 has in store for us.
1. My grandmother died. Although it was surely a good thing for her, (her quality of life was nonexistent) we all miss her so much.
2. My great Aunt Flossie died four weeks to the day after Grandmother. Unlike Grandmother's, her death was somewhat unexpected. Her absence is felt deeply.
3. I got pregnant just one month after my husband and I agreed to "let nature take it's course." I was elated. He was freaked out.
4. My all time in the history of my career forever favorite patient died. I miss him every week when he should be here getting his meds and giving me grandfatherly advice.
5. I found out I miscarried when I was 12weeks along. The baby stopped growing around 8 weeks and it took my body four weeks to recognize the problem.
6. Another sweet and lovely long time patient died.
7. My doctor took my word for it when I told him I thought I had passed all remnants of my miscarriage. He did not follow up in any way besides telling me to have blood work done in "about 6 weeks). 8 weeks later I found out that doctor is a dumb ass and basically all remnants were still in my uterus and it was a miracle that I hadn't gotten a serious infection. I had a D&C two days later. (performed by a different doctor. The original doctor is lucky I'm not a woman of means, or I may have sued his ass for negligence)
8. Surprisingly to me, we got pregnant again. I'm surprised because my body was disrupted for so long. Part of me thought it would take a while for it to function normally. Apparently I was wrong. My first doctor's appointment is Friday. My labs indicate I'm around 6weeks along. I'm terrified that I will have a repeat of last time. I'm trying desperately to not get my hopes up. High hopes make for hard falls. I pray nightly that God's will is in line with my hopes and desires. I know I'm strong enough to deal with another miscarriage, but I also know I will not handle it so gracefully a second time.
So, aside from my new pregnancy, 2011 sucked royally. Don't get me wrong. I know I am infinitely blessed. I'm just so tired of being sad. I'm ready for all the blessings 2012 has in store for us.
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