Discipline

Discipline is not my strong suit.  Especially when things are hard or different than "normal."  Any kind of lifestyle that is different or inconvenient past a certain point is hard for me.  I guess it's hard for everyone.  I do just fine with little tweaks, but big things don't always last.  For example, when I was in nursing school, I was not your normal college kid.  I didn't stay up late partying.  I wasn't in a sorority.  I even had to quit intramural sports.  I had clinicals at 6:15am.  Therefore I had to be in bed asleep by 10 at the latest so I could get up at 4:30, to be out the door by 5:45 to be at the hospital by 6:15.  The rest of my time was spent studying, sleeping, or working.  Many of those things overlapped.  My mom talks about my incredible discipline during that time of my life.  The thing is, I've never had much endurance in the discipline department.  I can maintain that type of kill myself schedule and get sh*# done.  But that super intense time in my life only lasted 3 years or so.  It was survival mode.  My lifestyle now is much different.  There is no super intense, do-or-die deadline.  I go to work.  I work hard.  I go home.  I try to exercise at least 3 days a week.  I try to eat clean.  I can get in a routine...a groove... and just keep going.  Discipline has little to do with it when it comes to routine.  But throw a wrench in my routine, and I'm done for.  This spring has thrown many a wrench my routine.  Deaths in the family.  Long planned trips.  New roommates.  These routine killers are what squash my discipline every time.  I will squander and hum and haw and make excuses.  All because I got out of my groove.  Since Grandmother died in April, I have had one hell of a time getting back to my routine.  I was working out at least 5 times a week.  I was going to the store regularly and buying yummy, easily prepared, clean food.  Not anymore.  Since that week long trip, and the subsequent trip for Aunt Flossie's memorial service, and a trip to Philly, I have been "so tired."  I hate that excuse.  I know it's a choice every minute of everyday to do what's best for my body and my mind.  That's where I lack the discipline.  The discipline to just make the right choice; to ignore my desire for the sweetness, or the 30minutes of pseudo-sleep, or to skip the store and just order take out.  I am re-committing to making the right choices for my body and my mind.  I need to dig deep and find that discipline that I can pull out in times of extreme need and stretch it out.  Make it last.  I never want to not feel strong.  I never want to not feel healthy.  The choices I make affect these feelings.  Having the discipline to make the right choices over and over and over again make all the difference.