My pregnancy thus far has been anything but a repeat from last time. I saw the doctor on January 6. According to my records (ahem) my approximate due date was determined to be August 27. Depending on my lab work done that day, they would schedule an ultrasound either the next week or for two weeks. To my delight, my HCG levels were high enough to have an ultrasound the following week. That was the first time I saw my little bird baby. I say bird baby because it literally looked like a tiny birdie. The shadows were such that it looked like it had a beak. Anywho, I saw the heartbeat strong and steady, and I felt better...for a little while. That same day I read an article that said once you've seen and/or heard the heartbeat the chance of miscarriage falls to 2%. I felt a little better...for a little while longer. I was 7 weeks and terrified because last time, my baby stopped growing sometime around 7 or 8 weeks. They scheduled another ultrasound for 3 weeks later. I must say that I was a total head case the entire 3 week wait. I was constantly assessing my pregnancy symptoms, trying not to freak out if something was too different. My next ultrasound was February 2. Oh! The changes that happen between 7 and 10 weeks!! At this appointment, not only did I see and strong and steady heartbeat, but my little baby was wiggling all over the place. Arms. legs, head, torso all wiggled and wriggled. It looked like it was dancing the twist or something. I cried in relief. That Friday, I slowly began telling more people. Family and close friends. Today I am 12 weeks. I rented a doppler so I can hear my baby's heartbeat when ever I want. Do you think the chance of miscarriage drops to 2% of the previous 2% every time I hear that little heart beating away?? I don't know, but I like to think so. My peace of mind has no price, and hearing that little thrum every morning gives me so much peace, I cannot find the words. I feel like I'm almost addicted to the sound of it. All I want to do is go home and listen. I could listen to it all day long. Everyday, I thank God for bringing my this far. Everyday, I beg God to let me be this baby's mommy.
I'm so in love.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Kiss My Ass, 2011
2011 was not a good year for me. Here is a list of life changing things that happened to me this year. Only two are good. The rest are reasons why I'm really REALLY glad it's 2012.
1. My grandmother died. Although it was surely a good thing for her, (her quality of life was nonexistent) we all miss her so much.
2. My great Aunt Flossie died four weeks to the day after Grandmother. Unlike Grandmother's, her death was somewhat unexpected. Her absence is felt deeply.
3. I got pregnant just one month after my husband and I agreed to "let nature take it's course." I was elated. He was freaked out.
4. My all time in the history of my career forever favorite patient died. I miss him every week when he should be here getting his meds and giving me grandfatherly advice.
5. I found out I miscarried when I was 12weeks along. The baby stopped growing around 8 weeks and it took my body four weeks to recognize the problem.
6. Another sweet and lovely long time patient died.
7. My doctor took my word for it when I told him I thought I had passed all remnants of my miscarriage. He did not follow up in any way besides telling me to have blood work done in "about 6 weeks). 8 weeks later I found out that doctor is a dumb ass and basically all remnants were still in my uterus and it was a miracle that I hadn't gotten a serious infection. I had a D&C two days later. (performed by a different doctor. The original doctor is lucky I'm not a woman of means, or I may have sued his ass for negligence)
8. Surprisingly to me, we got pregnant again. I'm surprised because my body was disrupted for so long. Part of me thought it would take a while for it to function normally. Apparently I was wrong. My first doctor's appointment is Friday. My labs indicate I'm around 6weeks along. I'm terrified that I will have a repeat of last time. I'm trying desperately to not get my hopes up. High hopes make for hard falls. I pray nightly that God's will is in line with my hopes and desires. I know I'm strong enough to deal with another miscarriage, but I also know I will not handle it so gracefully a second time.
So, aside from my new pregnancy, 2011 sucked royally. Don't get me wrong. I know I am infinitely blessed. I'm just so tired of being sad. I'm ready for all the blessings 2012 has in store for us.
1. My grandmother died. Although it was surely a good thing for her, (her quality of life was nonexistent) we all miss her so much.
2. My great Aunt Flossie died four weeks to the day after Grandmother. Unlike Grandmother's, her death was somewhat unexpected. Her absence is felt deeply.
3. I got pregnant just one month after my husband and I agreed to "let nature take it's course." I was elated. He was freaked out.
4. My all time in the history of my career forever favorite patient died. I miss him every week when he should be here getting his meds and giving me grandfatherly advice.
5. I found out I miscarried when I was 12weeks along. The baby stopped growing around 8 weeks and it took my body four weeks to recognize the problem.
6. Another sweet and lovely long time patient died.
7. My doctor took my word for it when I told him I thought I had passed all remnants of my miscarriage. He did not follow up in any way besides telling me to have blood work done in "about 6 weeks). 8 weeks later I found out that doctor is a dumb ass and basically all remnants were still in my uterus and it was a miracle that I hadn't gotten a serious infection. I had a D&C two days later. (performed by a different doctor. The original doctor is lucky I'm not a woman of means, or I may have sued his ass for negligence)
8. Surprisingly to me, we got pregnant again. I'm surprised because my body was disrupted for so long. Part of me thought it would take a while for it to function normally. Apparently I was wrong. My first doctor's appointment is Friday. My labs indicate I'm around 6weeks along. I'm terrified that I will have a repeat of last time. I'm trying desperately to not get my hopes up. High hopes make for hard falls. I pray nightly that God's will is in line with my hopes and desires. I know I'm strong enough to deal with another miscarriage, but I also know I will not handle it so gracefully a second time.
So, aside from my new pregnancy, 2011 sucked royally. Don't get me wrong. I know I am infinitely blessed. I'm just so tired of being sad. I'm ready for all the blessings 2012 has in store for us.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Hey Ya! Kids Make Halftime Dancers Look Clunky
Hey Ya! Kids Make Halftime Dancers Look Clunky I know they would make me look clunky too! So Funny!!!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
21-15-9
I kept my promise to be in the gym 4-5X last week. The commitment to eating clean will commence when I return from Synod Youth Workshop next week. I refuse to endure a shopping trip for food that I will not have the opportunity to consume. This week I've worked out once, logged below, I have plans for today, tomorrow, and Saturday before I leave for SYW. I have plans for 3-4 "home WODs" while at SYW to stay on schedule. :) Now on to yesterday's torture!
Wednesday's WOD at CrossFitFTW was brutal. When I saw it posted on the website (along with my before and after pics :-) ) I knew it was going to be brutal.
800 meter run
21-15-9
push press (RX 125m/75f)-65#
pull ups -blue band
800 meter run
Now the 21-15-9 was a shoulder burnout like nothing I've felt before. It alone would have been a great workout. But adding the running made it especially challenging. Especially for me. Running is my nemesis. I hate everything about it. I lack that mental....thing necessary to keep pushing, to keep moving. In 18months of crossfitting, my running has only improved slightly simply because I hate it so much. I hate it so much that I don't care to improve it. At all. Period. I'll do it in a WOD if programmed as such, but I VERY rarely ever do it on my own. Running is not my idea of fun. That's why I crossfit for fitness. Anyway, back to the WOD. My goal was to not be dead last... and if I was dead last (seeing as how the WOD ended with a run) my goal was to finish in less that 25min. I did it! I wasn't last...I was next to last, and my time was 23 something! Pete beat me by almost 10min which is just a testament to his beastliness and not my suckiness. I was pretty proud of my self. I might have been able to do the RX'd weight of 75# but then I definitely would have been last and over MY 25min deadline. D said I didn't seem as winded as I have in the past. He seems to think that my aerobic capacity is improving. Maybe it is. I don't know. It's slow going in that department. My arms, shoulders, traps, and lats are very, very sore today. Thursday's WOD is up. Cleans! My favorite...when I'm not sore. My traps hate me already! It hurts so good!
On an unrelated note... as soon as the hubs and I buy some more storage for our hard drive, I will try to start adding pics to the blog. Our memory is maxed out so I haven't been taking any new pics since I have no place to save them.
Wednesday's WOD at CrossFitFTW was brutal. When I saw it posted on the website (along with my before and after pics :-) ) I knew it was going to be brutal.
800 meter run
21-15-9
push press (RX 125m/75f)-65#
pull ups -blue band
800 meter run
Now the 21-15-9 was a shoulder burnout like nothing I've felt before. It alone would have been a great workout. But adding the running made it especially challenging. Especially for me. Running is my nemesis. I hate everything about it. I lack that mental....thing necessary to keep pushing, to keep moving. In 18months of crossfitting, my running has only improved slightly simply because I hate it so much. I hate it so much that I don't care to improve it. At all. Period. I'll do it in a WOD if programmed as such, but I VERY rarely ever do it on my own. Running is not my idea of fun. That's why I crossfit for fitness. Anyway, back to the WOD. My goal was to not be dead last... and if I was dead last (seeing as how the WOD ended with a run) my goal was to finish in less that 25min. I did it! I wasn't last...I was next to last, and my time was 23 something! Pete beat me by almost 10min which is just a testament to his beastliness and not my suckiness. I was pretty proud of my self. I might have been able to do the RX'd weight of 75# but then I definitely would have been last and over MY 25min deadline. D said I didn't seem as winded as I have in the past. He seems to think that my aerobic capacity is improving. Maybe it is. I don't know. It's slow going in that department. My arms, shoulders, traps, and lats are very, very sore today. Thursday's WOD is up. Cleans! My favorite...when I'm not sore. My traps hate me already! It hurts so good!
On an unrelated note... as soon as the hubs and I buy some more storage for our hard drive, I will try to start adding pics to the blog. Our memory is maxed out so I haven't been taking any new pics since I have no place to save them.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Discipline
Discipline is not my strong suit. Especially when things are hard or different than "normal." Any kind of lifestyle that is different or inconvenient past a certain point is hard for me. I guess it's hard for everyone. I do just fine with little tweaks, but big things don't always last. For example, when I was in nursing school, I was not your normal college kid. I didn't stay up late partying. I wasn't in a sorority. I even had to quit intramural sports. I had clinicals at 6:15am. Therefore I had to be in bed asleep by 10 at the latest so I could get up at 4:30, to be out the door by 5:45 to be at the hospital by 6:15. The rest of my time was spent studying, sleeping, or working. Many of those things overlapped. My mom talks about my incredible discipline during that time of my life. The thing is, I've never had much endurance in the discipline department. I can maintain that type of kill myself schedule and get sh*# done. But that super intense time in my life only lasted 3 years or so. It was survival mode. My lifestyle now is much different. There is no super intense, do-or-die deadline. I go to work. I work hard. I go home. I try to exercise at least 3 days a week. I try to eat clean. I can get in a routine...a groove... and just keep going. Discipline has little to do with it when it comes to routine. But throw a wrench in my routine, and I'm done for. This spring has thrown many a wrench my routine. Deaths in the family. Long planned trips. New roommates. These routine killers are what squash my discipline every time. I will squander and hum and haw and make excuses. All because I got out of my groove. Since Grandmother died in April, I have had one hell of a time getting back to my routine. I was working out at least 5 times a week. I was going to the store regularly and buying yummy, easily prepared, clean food. Not anymore. Since that week long trip, and the subsequent trip for Aunt Flossie's memorial service, and a trip to Philly, I have been "so tired." I hate that excuse. I know it's a choice every minute of everyday to do what's best for my body and my mind. That's where I lack the discipline. The discipline to just make the right choice; to ignore my desire for the sweetness, or the 30minutes of pseudo-sleep, or to skip the store and just order take out. I am re-committing to making the right choices for my body and my mind. I need to dig deep and find that discipline that I can pull out in times of extreme need and stretch it out. Make it last. I never want to not feel strong. I never want to not feel healthy. The choices I make affect these feelings. Having the discipline to make the right choices over and over and over again make all the difference.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Don't Worry. Be Happy. :-)
Post #4 of my 5 Star series. I'm have a little extra time at the end of my work day, so I thought I'd dive on into number 4 on my list of 5. This is another category that seems impossible to whittle down while at the same time keeping in mind #5(5 people/pets that you are thankful for). Lots of things make me happy. Lots..LOTS!
#1 Waking up on my own, without an alarm. There is just something about waking up without being jolted artificially out of Dreamland. I feel refreshed and ready to go about my day with a smile on my face.
#2 Dark Chocolate. Smooth. Silky, Tasty. Yummy. :-)
#3 Playing softball. I've been playing softball since kindergarten. I played on a tournament team when I was a little girl. I played for my high school. I played city league three nights a week most of the way through college. I play city league now. It takes me back to a time in my life when I had almost no worries. Life right at that moment is about your team and the game. Playing ball just makes me happy... and its good interval exercise at the same time!
#4- MaMa's sandwiches. I don't normally eat bread, however if MaMa is making me a sandwich, I'm going to eat it. Period. I don't know what it is about her sandwiches...or anything else she makes for that matter, it all just tastes AH-MAZING. I could follow her around the grocery store and buy all the same ingredients. I could stand with her side-by-side, and make a sandwich identical to her's step-by-step. It will not taste the same. Everyone says it's because she "cooks with love." She is love. Her sandwiches make me happy. Makes me feel like all is right in the world, even if just for a second.
#5- Spinach. I know you're thinking, "huh?" I realize this is the 3rd food item on my list. I guess I could have lumped all things tasty into one item on this list, but it just wouldn't be fair. Some food items deserve more notoriety. Maybe I'll have a sixth post about my 5 foods that make me happy, or my 5 favorite Mommy food items... hmmmm. Anyway, I l.o.v.e. spinach. Raw, steamed, sauteed, microwavable...just not canned. I love it with breakfast, in place of lettuce in my salads, and as a side at dinner. I could eat it every meal. Seriously. Plus it's super healthy and full of iron. We women of child bearing age need all the dietary iron we can get.
I wish I could list more than 5 things that make me happy. There really are SO many. What makes you happy?
#1 Waking up on my own, without an alarm. There is just something about waking up without being jolted artificially out of Dreamland. I feel refreshed and ready to go about my day with a smile on my face.
#2 Dark Chocolate. Smooth. Silky, Tasty. Yummy. :-)
#3 Playing softball. I've been playing softball since kindergarten. I played on a tournament team when I was a little girl. I played for my high school. I played city league three nights a week most of the way through college. I play city league now. It takes me back to a time in my life when I had almost no worries. Life right at that moment is about your team and the game. Playing ball just makes me happy... and its good interval exercise at the same time!
#4- MaMa's sandwiches. I don't normally eat bread, however if MaMa is making me a sandwich, I'm going to eat it. Period. I don't know what it is about her sandwiches...or anything else she makes for that matter, it all just tastes AH-MAZING. I could follow her around the grocery store and buy all the same ingredients. I could stand with her side-by-side, and make a sandwich identical to her's step-by-step. It will not taste the same. Everyone says it's because she "cooks with love." She is love. Her sandwiches make me happy. Makes me feel like all is right in the world, even if just for a second.
#5- Spinach. I know you're thinking, "huh?" I realize this is the 3rd food item on my list. I guess I could have lumped all things tasty into one item on this list, but it just wouldn't be fair. Some food items deserve more notoriety. Maybe I'll have a sixth post about my 5 foods that make me happy, or my 5 favorite Mommy food items... hmmmm. Anyway, I l.o.v.e. spinach. Raw, steamed, sauteed, microwavable...just not canned. I love it with breakfast, in place of lettuce in my salads, and as a side at dinner. I could eat it every meal. Seriously. Plus it's super healthy and full of iron. We women of child bearing age need all the dietary iron we can get.
I wish I could list more than 5 things that make me happy. There really are SO many. What makes you happy?
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